Impulsivity

I didn’t think I had a problem with this like I used to, but it’s still a problem. When I think someone is impulsive, I think gambling or shopping. It’s more subtle than that, including blurting things out or posting things one did not think through. The other day someone I know on FB posted asking for help, they didn’t understand why no one liked them and what was wrong with them. I felt I needed to respond and apologize for my part. I wanted her to know my judgments got in the way of getting to know her. I am judgmental and I let physical characteristics get in the way. My apology was sincere, but I did it to someone who did not know an apology was coming and I did it through e-mail. I don’t even know that what I wrote was received correctly. 

Then I panicked and thought she could use this against me and I put my bias out there for all to see on FB. This only caused hurt feelings to my friends that feel I judged them, or worse continue to judge them. My post on FB was not 100% accurate; I did not define what it means to me. My post, taken at face value, basically implies I go around judging every single person that is not a model; which is far from the truth. Plus, I gave lots of ground for speculation and gossip, which is what I was trying to avoid.

My other problem with posting my bias is readers not knowing where my heart was. I was called out on my bias in high school by a close friend. I am also bias against people that are small minded and not tolerate. That puts me in a bind and explains a lot about how I feel about myself that years of therapy have not touched. I want to explain why I think I have the bias or defend it or something, but it is what it is. UGLY. I am working on it. I don't avoid the people I hold judgments against; in fact, God uses them in my life to open my eyes to what I am missing. 

During Labor Day weekend 2005, I attended a business conference lead by Dani Johnson. It was not what I was expecting. After everyone was seated the first thing she told us to do was go apologize to someone we judged as we came in the room. I sat there. I did get up the nerve to join in other rounds of asking forgiveness and hugs. What happened that weekend and during the other two seminars I attended with her was amazing. She creates an atmosphere that allows you to look at yourself and all the crap that is there and then start apologizing. Being in that cocoon of acceptance and forgiveness was amazing and I forget that the world does not operate that way. What I could admit and start working through then is now supposed to stay between me and God.

As I continue learning about my  impulsivity I will continue to stumble and share things that are inappropriate. It doesn’t change who I am or how I treat people. Once I get over my initial hang up, if I ever had one, I am a loyal, sincere friend because who wants to base friendships on talking about the weather, or celebrities, or gossiping about others?